by Joanne Wadsworth | Jun 25, 2012 | Author Blog
I know writers love actual examples, and today I’ve picked a passage of writing where there’s a lot of telling. What we’re going to do is tweak it to visually “show” our reader instead. This is written in 3rd Person from the heroine’s POV, and as you’re reading see if you can spot the areas that can be fixed to “show” rather than tell.
Let me set the scene. Marie’s father is involved in the mob, and Jack is an undercover cop tracking her to get to her father. Marie isn’t aware of who Jack is, but employs him as her bodyguard after shots are fired at her. Before too long, tensions explode between them, and Jack decides to take Marie out of town. It’s just the two of them in his truck, on a quiet road.
- Sitting next to Jack, his anger bouncing around the truck cab, Marie felt her emotions collide. This man drove her mad. One moment she felt like maybe they had a connection, then, bam, in the next breath he shattered it. He was dangerous on so many levels, and she was not up for more heartache.
It’s an intriguing passage, but I’m going to rewrite, taking into account that “showing emotions” strengthens a scene. Let’s show Jack’s anger and Marie’s tension in a way that draws the scene rather than tells. I also like how our hero and heroine are in a truck, but we could use the outside environment to add some flavor and bring the reader along for the ride.
- Sitting next to Jack in the truck’s cab, Marie felt the chill in the air as he released one puff of frosty breath after another. Her chest tightened, and she clawed her fingernails into the cold brown leather underneath her knees. One moment she felt like they had a connection, and in the next, bam, he shattered it. Their relationship was no different to the broken white markings on the road passing them by. Danger and mistrust lurked, for at the speed they were running, any heartache was more than she was up for.
I hope you get my meaning. In the rewrite the reader is “shown” through the scene in a way that’s missing in the first example. Be descriptive, and extend your writing. We have to draw a picture, as we see it from our own eyes.
Now, if you’ve enjoyed this week’s post, then tune in next week for some more tidbits. Simply check out the right-hand side panel, and enter your email address to “follow the blog.” If you want, also click “like” on my FB author page to the right. I’d love you to join me.
by Joanne Wadsworth | Jun 18, 2012 | Author Blog
Over the past few years I’ve discovered there are a large number of quick fixes in writing, particularly in dealing with the “context” of how a passage is written. And I’d like to share my experience with other writers, pointing out the simple fixes to return the balance of perspective for the reader.
In doing so, I’ll provide real writing examples, because I love to show. So let’s see if you can spot the mistakes within the first line of each example. All are written in 3rd Person from the heroine’s POV.
- She heard the tap of John’s boots coming into the bedroom before she saw his tall, athletic body, his head held high, his stride firm.
I’ll rewrite to fix the sequence of events. Read the changes and see which of the two you believe is more accurate.
- She heard the tap of boots in the hallway. Someone was coming. The bedroom door opened and John strode in, his chin lifting, his white t-shirt pulling tight across a broad chest.
Both passages say the same thing–but which do you prefer? If you’ve noticed, in the first example we are “told” what is happening, and in the second there is a switch to “showing.” Do we really know who’s coming into a room before we see them? And how do we show an athletic body? How do we show a head held high? Read it again and see what you think. Is the rewrite more accurate?
Let’s do another example. To set the scene the heroine has rung her divorced mother, telling her she has a problem with her father.
- Anger sizzled down the phone line. “What has your father done now?” her mother asked.
I’ll rewrite to fix the context of writing, because can anger really sizzle down a line? No. We understand what is being said in the line, but there is a better way to “show” it.
- “What has your father done now?” her mother bit out, low and hard.
In this rewrite we hear the dialogue first–and this is the key. For how is our heroine meant to know her mother is angry before she even speaks? She can only know once she has, and only from the tone of her voice. Anger is an emotion, and not viewable down a phone line. It is heard, and therefore must be shown in the correct way.
I hope I’ve enlightened with these quick fixes in dealing with “context in writing.” If you’ve enjoyed this week’s post, then tune in next week for some more tidbits. Simply check out the right-hand side panel, and enter your email address to “follow the blog.” If you want, also click “like” on my FB author page to the right. I’d love you to join me.
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PROTECTOR–BUY THE BOOK: Amazon Kindle / B&N Nook / iTunes / Lyrical Press / Kobo.
by Joanne Wadsworth | Jun 15, 2012 | Author Blog
The lovely Mae
Clair has tagged me in her post The Lucky Seven. Thanks for the nomination Mae–it is my first and I hope I do it justice.
The challenge –
To post seven lines from an unpublished work of fiction. My current WIP is a young adult fantasy romance. It’s the second in a series and is titled “By The Sword.” The first in the series is releasing in November with Lyrical Press, Inc.
So the rules –
- Go to page 7 or 77 in your current manuscript (fiction or non-fiction).
- Go to line 7.
- Post on your blog the next 7 lines, or sentences, as they are–no cheating.
- Tag 7 other authors to do the same–and have fun.
“I see it. Only Kate will despise him for what he withholds. He’s kept our world of Magio from her, not considering her strong enough to deal with Donaldo or his wrath. He even keeps my existence hidden. How could he? I’m his daughter, and hers.”
Destroyer shoved into my shoulder and Goldie tightened her hold on his lead, pulling him back into line. Blowing out a breath, she planted her feet wide. “I do not defend the poor choice Alexo made, only he was young, eighteen himself when you were born. He rarely asks for help. Let’s give him the week he’s asked for.”
And my seven lucky nominees are –
Natalie Anderson
Jessi Gage
Karen Y Bynum
Lynn Cahoon
Serena Akeroyd
Susan Buchanan
Rowen Starr
by Joanne Wadsworth | Jun 11, 2012 | Author Blog
I’ve mentioned Deep POV in previous posts, and been asked what is this? I’ve also had comments from those who write Deep themselves and love it. So let’s jump right in and chat, for writing in Deep certainly takes an author’s work and makes it touch the heart of their reader.
As writers we’re all aware of the five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Yet when going Deep, the author must describe all scenes only from what the main character can perceive with their own senses.
There is no remoteness, and even the character’s internal thoughts and feelings form part of the writing. In 3rd Person POV we see internal thoughts in italics, but in Deep, that isn’t necessary, for the character’s thoughts become one with the story.
So let’s cover some basics. In writing Deep, certain distancing words are removed. Examples of these are words like watched, noticed, heard, felt, saw, wondered, decided, knew, thought, etc. You’ll need to do a search and find these, ensuring you rewrite the sentences to take them out. I’ll give you an example, the first being in 3rd Person, the second rewritten and going Deep from the heroine’s POV. Remember to utilize internal thought in the correct way, as rewritten in the second line.
She watched him lift the gun, and felt chills run down her spine. He won’t pull it, she thought.
He lifted the gun, stroking his finger over the catch. Chills raced down her spine. He wouldn’t pull it.
Now let’s cover emotion, for in Deep we take out words like anger, sad, fear, happy, shock, bothered, etc, and there are a ton of these. Instead we use body language to convey emotion–and this is truly important. I’ll give you an example of rewriting your sentence to take out words of emotion from the heroine’s POV. Again utilize internal thought in the correct way, allowing it to become one with the story.
Anger lanced through her and she raised her chin. She was not happy to have her choices taken away.
Her chest tightened. He would not take her choices away. She raised her chin and stared him down.
Also, don’t forget that characters rarely refer to themselves by name. When you go Deep, ask yourself would the character use her name, over and over? If not use her/she, particularly if the dialogue is strong and the reader can see who speaks.
Sometimes all it takes is a small tweak to a paragraph to deepen the scene, and others a little more work. But before long you’ll find writing Deep comes naturally. In fact you may even find, you’re partially going deep with your 3rd Person and haven’t recognized it. If this is the case, publishers will want to see you write either one way or the other, and not have a mix of the two within your book. Make sure you fix this, for it can hold back on a sale.
I hope I’ve enlightened with these tips on going Deep. Although do a search for more and learn as much as you can–for I’ve read about many authors who’ve found that going Deep has helped them to achieve publication. And that’s what all writers are after.
If you’ve enjoyed this week’s post, then tune in next week for some more tidbits. Simply check out the right-hand side panel, and enter your email address to “follow the blog.” If you want, also click “like” on my FB author page to the right. I’d love you to join me.
by Joanne Wadsworth | Jun 4, 2012 | Author Blog
This week, let’s chat about 1st person POV and getting it right. One would think you can’t make a mistake when the entire story is written from the heroine’s POV? But you can, and here are a couple of common errors.
To set the scene, the heroine is watching the hero striding toward her. She doesn’t want to see him and talk. See if you can spot the POV mistake.
I cleared my throat and tucked my stubborn chin in tight.
Did you see it? It’s the word stubborn. The heroine maybe feeling stubborn, and if she is, then use body language, or internal thought to show it, for she can’t think of herself in this way.
So, let’s rewrite with internal thought–for the fix is so simple to get your point across.
I cleared my throat and tucked my chin in tight. I did not want to talk.
Let’s do a second line using body language to show a fix. The hero is now in front of the heroine, having arrived. Spot the POV mistake.
He took one step closer, transfixed. “I can’t believe this,” he said.
If you spotted the word transfixed, then you got it. How is the heroine meant to know he’s transfixed? It’s telling and not showing the reader. So, let’s rewrite to see what she would see, using body language.
He took one step closer, rubbing his hand over his forehead. “I can’t believe this.”
Don’t you just love it– Such small changes in the writing to fix the POV, making it tighter. So, please tune in next week for some more tidbits. Simply click “follow” or “like” on the right-hand side panel. I’d love you to join me.
